note to self....

       So I knew it would happen sooner or later, me and the ex(D.H) have fallen out over money.
Me being the mature level headed person I am (pmt got to love it!) put a quite nasty status on Facebook I'm regretting it now and I knew it was wrong to do but I was so angry and just had to rant I've always been the type of person who says you know what if you don't like it don't read it.........but I went too low today. It still doesn't change how I feel about him and the amount of contact and money he gives the girls.I've tried in the past to ask for more money as maintenance and I always get the same excuses he cant afford it he's got rent and bills to pay his hours are suddenly going to be cut then they never do...........but so have I and I've also got two young children to bring up!!!! 
       He has the girls every other weekend, from a Friday night till Sunday morning some times we swap and change if he's going on holiday ( yes he has two holidays a year!!!) I try and let some things pass me by I cant change him he hasn't changed since we split up so he sure as hell isn't going to change now!! But why should the girls suffer?? 
       Yet again i feel trapped between a rock and a hard place and I'm going round in circles........I want him to grow some balls and stand up to his responsibilities but also I don't want the drama. I struggle to word how I feel properly and end up swearing and calling him all the names under the sun. He gets me so wound up then there is always one person saying the reason your getting so wound up is because you still love him........please do not make me laugh. He turns up every other Friday to pick the girls up wearing his designer clothes and I'm stood there in my clothes which I'm only just squeezing into after a huge weight gain. He still has that way of making me feel like the bit of shit that is on the bottom of his shoe.....so after an afternoon of talks with oak ( no idea how this bloke can be so sensible sometimes!!) crying over nasty private messages sent from D.H friends, the wailing that I can't cope as a mother and they'd be better of financially with D.H I've made a plan.......
it started off with looking over my new years resolutions one of them I wrote....


                                                                is the shit and hassle really worth it......


    OK that may not make sense to anyone else who will read it but it does to me do I need to cause this drama in my life?? I've other people around me who are an amazing support network. I know I have tried my very very best to be a mummy to s and v. When they are older I hope they realise ( and D.H realises too!!) that I did my best he did just enough. 
so with this I'm deleting that status aimed at him and focusing my life in more positive ways I don't need to carry round bad energy that I have created I'm my own worst enemy sometimes and the stubbornness has got to stop. 
     So thank you to everyone who has been there through my mad totally lost it bits (moving to Durham to be with someone i hardly knew kids in tow) to now at the age of 26 i finally feel like an adult some may even call me super mum hahahahaha OK that might be going too far, but in all honesty is the shit really worth it!!!!!!!!?????????????????????????????? not this time any way. 




                                sorry for the rambles 
                                               Bon xxx

a winters evening

pic by me :)

There is something about a winter sky that just gets me, I feel I could stare at the clouds for a lifetime. Constantly changing constantly delighting my eyes with the shapes and pictures, my imagination going wild as the story of the clouds unfolds before me. Like a ballet they dance in the sunlight, every second they change, the colour changes from a steel blue to a pink tinge, the pink slowly devours the blue, piece by piece, inch by inch. The clouds fight back getting bigger and braver. They roar up against the pink and purple but fall down in defeat, minute by minute, second by second. The purple turns darker more rich and velvety as the evening before, then comes the lord of the night. The darkness swallows the clouds and sends out his guards to protect the night, as they twinkle and glisten in the moonlight. The stars watch over his lordships reign for they know the battle will once again gear up in the early hours.
 a random ramble by bon xx

SUNDAY 18^TH DECEMBER………..

S

o today has been a chilled day we’ve all just spent the day lounging about on the sofa watching films had a few chocolates well we demolished a box of maltesers within minutes. A perfect Sunday for me especially as I’m still not feeling 100% after being ill.

The girls have no school tomorrow yippee J which I love, I love having them at home with me. I’ve been called selfish and that if I ever did home school I’d be damaging them they would be uneducated unsocialised beasts of the human race (ok maybe not the part of the beasts of human race but I normally switch off when people show no leeway in their opinions’!!) I’ve been thinking of homeschooling for a while toying it over and over in my head I’ve written endless lists of pro’s and cons. I’ve spoken to people who do home school and people who think school is the right thing to do.

 I’m trying not to get my thoughts on how my school life went affect my thoughts after all my children are different the situation is different, but it stills stays in my head I don’t want them to go through what I went through. The social minefield that is school who has the latest trainers the biggest parties who knows who and who’s daddy plays with who’s daddy at the golf course on a Friday afternoon………..it all kinda bored me I found it idiotic yet at every chance I got a tried to impress people with who I thought I wanted to be.

I don’t want that for my girls I want them to be able to learn in a safe environment, for them to feel that their opinions’ and thoughts are valued that they have a voice they have this at home but who’s to say they will have it in a class of 30 at school?

The girls are currently at the local school 2mins walk round the corner it’s a poor area doesn’t get the best results and I’m just generally not happy with it. Am I mad for thinking that I can teach these two little people everything they need to know about the world?! I’m rubbish at math but I can get by how would I teach science!!??

Then days like today I think I don’t need the little plastic counters to teach my child how to do fractions….. Just ask lettie to give her and summer the same amount of stickers each……. She does it and summer says that’s half mummy, so we get on a conversation about fractions ( they don’t realise it ) we go round the front room seeing what we can put in half the curtains. the DVDs , the room thanks to some very helpful toys J then we go onto 1/3rds and 1/4s half an hour later we are rolling around the floor trying to split ourselves in half………..shit was that a math lesson??!!

Maybe I just need the confidence to actually do it…….and maybe the problem is more me being scared of failing and people saying I told you so.

Or should I keep them in full time school and carry on with the “lessons” at home, I’m going round in circles and I’m sure I am doing most peoples head in by now . I need a sign. Fingers crossed I get one soon.

“While we try to teach children all about life our children teach us what life is all about”

Love craziness and confusion Bon xxx

I'll start with hello............

hello ,
  
           I really don't know where to start and maybe should have planned this a bit better but hey!! I'm here let's roll............


            Suppose I should introduce myself I'm Bon short for Siobhan (it's in there somewhere!!)
I'm an ex super nanny fan suppose you'd call it main stream. I'm 25 nearly 26 and have 2 daughters s and v(no longer with their dad) and I'm going out with a man called Oak. Hopefully getting married February 2013 and this is our story from mainstream to crunchy.


                                                 enjoy bon xxx