So I knew it would happen sooner or later, me and the ex(D.H) have fallen out over money.
Me being the mature level headed person I am (pmt got to love it!) put a quite nasty status on Facebook I'm regretting it now and I knew it was wrong to do but I was so angry and just had to rant I've always been the type of person who says you know what if you don't like it don't read it.........but I went too low today. It still doesn't change how I feel about him and the amount of contact and money he gives the girls.I've tried in the past to ask for more money as maintenance and I always get the same excuses he cant afford it he's got rent and bills to pay his hours are suddenly going to be cut then they never do...........but so have I and I've also got two young children to bring up!!!!
He has the girls every other weekend, from a Friday night till Sunday morning some times we swap and change if he's going on holiday ( yes he has two holidays a year!!!) I try and let some things pass me by I cant change him he hasn't changed since we split up so he sure as hell isn't going to change now!! But why should the girls suffer??
Yet again i feel trapped between a rock and a hard place and I'm going round in circles........I want him to grow some balls and stand up to his responsibilities but also I don't want the drama. I struggle to word how I feel properly and end up swearing and calling him all the names under the sun. He gets me so wound up then there is always one person saying the reason your getting so wound up is because you still love him........please do not make me laugh. He turns up every other Friday to pick the girls up wearing his designer clothes and I'm stood there in my clothes which I'm only just squeezing into after a huge weight gain. He still has that way of making me feel like the bit of shit that is on the bottom of his shoe.....so after an afternoon of talks with oak ( no idea how this bloke can be so sensible sometimes!!) crying over nasty private messages sent from D.H friends, the wailing that I can't cope as a mother and they'd be better of financially with D.H I've made a plan.......
it started off with looking over my new years resolutions one of them I wrote....
is the shit and hassle really worth it......
OK that may not make sense to anyone else who will read it but it does to me do I need to cause this drama in my life?? I've other people around me who are an amazing support network. I know I have tried my very very best to be a mummy to s and v. When they are older I hope they realise ( and D.H realises too!!) that I did my best he did just enough.
so with this I'm deleting that status aimed at him and focusing my life in more positive ways I don't need to carry round bad energy that I have created I'm my own worst enemy sometimes and the stubbornness has got to stop.
So thank you to everyone who has been there through my mad totally lost it bits (moving to Durham to be with someone i hardly knew kids in tow) to now at the age of 26 i finally feel like an adult some may even call me super mum hahahahaha OK that might be going too far, but in all honesty is the shit really worth it!!!!!!!!?????????????????????????????? not this time any way.
sorry for the rambles
Bon xxx
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